Got the call last night, she passed away. Even then she was still fighting. That’s what I’ll always remember and admire, how strong of a person she was. Stubborn, but very strong lol. But hey, we all have our ways right? Don’t know how I’ll hold up when it’s time for the viewing. In time, I’ll be okay. Rest now tia, for you are not suffering anymore.

How can one be so damn disrespectful to the relatives that are giving you a roof over your head & food in your fucking mouth while you’re out here figuring out what to do with your damn life? Barely do shit around the house & when one of them asks if you can help them out, you mumble shit like “suck my balls”. Every little thing is starting to get on my nerves and I’m doing my best to bite my tongue because I literally hate having problems. I can’t stand the whole “Oh I went to college & got a degree so I know everything” act. It’s bullshit. Talking about you know the truth about the world and blah blah blah. It’s absurd how you also claim you’re all about love & positive energy yet the way you carry yourself and act towards my parents and our grandparents is disgusting. The fuck kind of shit is that?! You may be my cousin & I love you and I’m thankful for the other good stuff you’ve helped me with while I was working on things within myself as a person but some shit is just not okay. I don’t even want to be around you right now. Putting my dad down too when he’s been going through a really tough time has really put me to the top. If any other disrespectful shit comes to surface I think I will explode & say everything I need to say & it will NOT be pretty. But until then, I just have to wait until my aunt finally comes out here for good & gets her own place which is next month. As much as I want to say what’s on my mind, he won’t be here much longer. 

Found out that my cousin has overcame Aplastic Anemia!

I was choked up from tearing up when I heard those exact words, “she overcame Aplastic Anemia”. 

"I heard those magic words. " You’re in remission." While some characteristics of the disease remain, I, for the first time in 4 years, am FREE. So what does this mean? It means I will no longer have to take immunosuppresive therapy, no separations from my family and friends, no nasty side effects, no bone marrow aspirations, no blood transfusions. It also means running, biking, mountain climbing, and an incredible sense of joy as I finally become a SURVIVOR. To my family, friends, and the love of my life: Thank you for constant prayers, your positive energies, your unconditional love and support. I love you from the bottom of my heart and could not have done this without you.”

That is what she recently put up.
I’m so happy right now. Good things do happen as long as you keep your head up and think positive. You have to stay strong even when it feels like you can’t put up a fight anymore. It’s been hard being so far away from someone I care about and knowing she was going through a tough time and in pain most of the time. But I had to stay positive. This means she can actually fly out here when the rest of the family visits again!(: 

Ever since my cousin from the east coast moved in, we’ve been more active.

Tennis, basketball, running, whatever the case may be. Planning on taking him to the place I went hiking before. He’s even pushing me to go back into songwriting and actually do something with singing since he has a bunch of tracks and whatnot. I need to stop holding back from a lot of things. The downfall of being shy >.< But on another note, I’m really happy now(: 

Just found out one of my cousins from CT will be coming out in August.

He’ll live with us for a while until he decides if he wants to stay out here or go back to CT. All I know is that I’m just glad I’ll be seeing him soon. He just recently graduated college a few months ago and hasn’t been having the most support from his father. I just want to let him know how proud the rest of us are and how much we love him. We’re planning on throwing him a grad party when he gets out here. I just can’t wait to spend time, catch up, and have our heart to heart conversations. As I look back to when we were younger, I can’t help but laugh because we used to fight with each other every time we saw each other. If he hit me, I hit him back and just everything haha. Obviously we grew out of it and became closer. It’ll be like having an older brother around during his stay here. 

There is not a day that passes by where I don’t think about my cousin.

It’s scary knowing how weak her immune system is now. She still works to pay for the current treatment that she’s going through. The shots she gets every Thursday is basically her life. Without those, she wouldn’t be here still. Whenever she’s around others, no matter who it is, she has to wear a mask just so she won’t get an infection. One of the people she became good friends with at the cancer center with the same condition, went through with the bone marrow transplant but passed away. Another reason as to why she doesn’t want to go with the bone marrow transplant because it’s only 50/50. She’s been even more down than usual, but she’s covering it up doing the best she can to be strong. She said that all of us are her rock and that’s what’s getting her by. I can’t help but tear up knowing she’s going through such a thing. I just want her to be okay now. I want her to be back out here where she belongs. She’s one of the best people I know as well as one of the strongest. All we have to do is keep praying and hoping for the better. 

It’s my grandparent’s 56th anniversary today. Now these two are the craziest old folks I know. They’re hilarious, insane, and loving. I’m thankful to have been blessed with such amazing people like them. They were the ones who raised me alongside my parents. I’ve learned so much from them and have gained the love for music and learned how to be strong no matter what happens in life. They have helped guide me in this thing called life and I know I may not say or show it often, but I cherish every moment shared with them. Glad they’re still healthy and acting as if they’re still teenagers aha. Mahal Kita Lolo & Lola<3 

So, earlier I had a good yet scary talk with my aunt.

We had a long discussion about how my cousin is doing and whatnot. She’s been isolating herself an awful lot lately, but it’s because she needs her alone time, especially after being let down by someone she really cared for, and she doesn’t want any of us to worry about her. She doesn’t want to dwell on the complications she’s currently facing and she doesn’t want anyone feeling more sad about it all. But the things my aunt was telling me, I couldn’t help but cry. It’s already sad enough I don’t get to see any of them, and now my cousin is dealing with something that could end her life. I know she’s a very strong person and has always been a fighter. She’s one of the people I truly admire without a doubt. Apparently she only has 5 wishes for if it comes to her time ending, but she only told my aunt 2 of them. And they were that, she doesn’t want a wake, but a party reflecting the good times throughout her life, and for the whole family to reunite and for us to have one big jam session. With me and my cousin’s singing and she said especially me, and for our uncles and our grandpa to be rocking out on the guitar. It brought a smile to my face but the tears just kept coming. I can’t imagine having our family jam sessions without her at our reunions. I just wish I could get on the next plane and spend time with her and just be there for her. Enough of that though, I need to keep thinking positively. 

Sorry for my blabbing. 

I’m legitimately scared at the moment.

Just found out that one of my cousins in RI, along with her aplastic anemia condition, has another condition on top of that called Thrombocytopenia. Which has now made it even more dangerous for her. She was teaching her class and suddenly her nose was bleeding and whatnot so she had to drive herself from RI to Boston to the cancer center where they found her second condition. She goes to school/works full time so whatever she makes is barely enough for her injections every week for her aplastic anemia and getting by. Apparently she needs a bone marrow transplant but that would cause her to be in the hospital for 6 months and that’s another load of money that’s just not there. She’s very independent and doesn’t like to ask for help, and right now, she’s just going to stick to the injections for now and see if that works. But when I heard my mom talking to my aunt, i heard the words “she could possibly die”, I just froze, I couldn’t even say anything. I’m really scared right now but I know that I have to keep my composure and think positively. But it’s easier said than done, especially since I’ve never lost anyone in my life. I never ask anyone for anything, but I could use a few thoughts & prayers, if praying is something you do from time to time. It would mean a whole lot to me. Things are really not that great, and to have this on top of everything, it’s just wearing me down, but knowing me, I can take this on.