The events that have occurred in the past two months made me realize things. I’m questioning things more and looking at things in a different light. I guess this is a part of life and growing. I’ve been fighting off a lot of things and trying to keep my head up. I’ve been able to hold it together thanks to those in my life and just keeping my mind on other things like this new job I’m about to start, music, and sports. It’s working for the most part. All I know is that life is too damn short to not put in effort to see those that matter more often than we do. It’s also too damn short to hold onto anger for too damn long over dumb things. 

I don’t care if you think I’m lame or whatever just because I don’t want to do something because everyone else is doing it as well. I’m not going to do something just because you say so. I don’t fall into doing things just because it’s the “thing” to do. I am my own damn person and I choose what I will or won’t do. I’ll be damned if I ever let someone force me into something.

Fuck cancer! Each time we go visit my aunt I want to cry more than the last time. I’ve been getting these headaches for the past 2 weeks. I wish I could make it all go away. I’m mad she never told anyone when she found out months ago. We could have actually done something. I’m just filled with all this anger right now. I know I shouldn’t be mad but I can’t help feeling like this right now. Blah! I guess I’ll go for a walk to try and clear my mind. 

I’m just ridiulously tired of everything right now. Mixed emotions & all these thoughts running through my mind is wearing me out. Haven’t been up for anything these past few days. I do not have to apologize for how I’m feeling right now. I need some time to fully grasp what’s going on right now. I’ve never lost anyone in my life & just the thought of someone possibly being gone forever is something I can’t fully grasp yet. I don’t want to. The last thing I need right now is someone telling me that death is a natural thing and that it will all be okay. I already know that but let me deal and try to process everything. And I don’t need anyone getting mad at me for being human. If you can’t understand that then don’t even bother.

On top of this BS with my cousin & what he’s done with the family, just got bad news that my aunt from my dad’s side that we’ve been trying to get in contact with for years is in the hospital with cancer. I don’t even know what to think right now. I had goosebumps when I heard those words and froze. They say she doesn’t have that long to live. We’re heading straight for LA tomorrow first thing in the morning to visit her. I’m just trying to be as positive as I can be through everything right now. The only thing getting me by without breaking down or exploding on someone is music. Strumming the guitar with whatever songs I know. Sometimes I’m not even playing out an actual song. Just the sound of the strings is keeping me together. 

I lose respect for those who can’t man up to their wrongdoings. Quit making damn excuses to justify everything.

I can’t get over tonight. My childhood is complete & I can die happy now haha. Justin Timberlake can definitely put on a damn show. Still does his thing effortlessly even when he’s sick. 

Today started out well until things became beyond stressful. Nothing like unwinding by learning some songs on the guitar & being in my own world haha. Music will always be my go to & never fails me when I can’t get to those who can help make me feel better. 

Finally got offered the job. It’s been 3 or 4 months since I had my interview and was told I was being considered. Had me testing the little patience I had haha but it’s made me work on it as well. I go in for paperwork next week! Things are really looking up! 

All I can say is I dodged a damn bullet with that one. If being with someone that drags you down & holds you back from living your life is your form of happiness then so be it. But I’m not about that. That’s not for me. That’s not happiness whatsoever. You have to do what you need to do sometimes. Just because someone says they won’t be able to live without you doesn’t mean you have to stick around if you’re not happy. If someone I was with wasn’t feelin’ it anymore or wasn’t happy anymore, I’d want them to at least let me know. That’s the least someone can do instead of letting it linger on and let that person keep thinking you still have that genuine love & care for them. Looking back, I’m glad things happened the way they did. If not, I would have been miserable. Then again, probably not because I respect & love myself enough to know when I need to cut ties with someone. I’ll be damned if someone treats me wrong and I stick around. I understand when it comes to certain things you can still resolve but there are things that a person should not accept either. Regardless of how strong your feelings are for that person and how much it hurts. Not only does this go for women, it goes for men too. I’ve seen so many guys and heard stories about them being treated like shit yet they stick around and allow themselves to be treated like that. And what kills me the most is when someone says they don’t leave because they don’t think they’ll be able to find anyone else. The worst one I’ve heard is because of how lucky they got in having someone attractive as a significant other. Just because someone has all the things you’d like physically in a guy or girl doesn’t mean they’re right for you or will treat you right.

Most of the time I’m more than happy. I’ve been better than I’ve ever been after cutting certain people out of my life. But I have my moments where some shit just still gets to me. It will always be in the back of my mind stored away until it wants to just fuck with me for a bit.

The last thing I need is being told, “yeah right” or “you won’t keep it up” when it comes to me trying to better myself health wise. A simple “you can do it” would suffice. Better yet, don’t say anything if it’s not anywhere near encouraging. Either way, I’ll get through this journey. Can’t let negativity get to me.  

I only have myself to blame for allowing myself to stop. I can’t stop & I won’t. Not this time around. I can’t afford to & I have to do it for myself. I have to push myself even on days when I’m not feelin’ it. Patience is a big part of this & I can’t always put myself down when I’m frustrated. I will get there when I’m meant to get there as long as I keep at it. I should assign someone to slap me or something whenever I miss a workout lol. I’m back on this journey of getting healthier & need to stay on it. (: 

How can one be so damn disrespectful to the relatives that are giving you a roof over your head & food in your fucking mouth while you’re out here figuring out what to do with your damn life? Barely do shit around the house & when one of them asks if you can help them out, you mumble shit like “suck my balls”. Every little thing is starting to get on my nerves and I’m doing my best to bite my tongue because I literally hate having problems. I can’t stand the whole “Oh I went to college & got a degree so I know everything” act. It’s bullshit. Talking about you know the truth about the world and blah blah blah. It’s absurd how you also claim you’re all about love & positive energy yet the way you carry yourself and act towards my parents and our grandparents is disgusting. The fuck kind of shit is that?! You may be my cousin & I love you and I’m thankful for the other good stuff you’ve helped me with while I was working on things within myself as a person but some shit is just not okay. I don’t even want to be around you right now. Putting my dad down too when he’s been going through a really tough time has really put me to the top. If any other disrespectful shit comes to surface I think I will explode & say everything I need to say & it will NOT be pretty. But until then, I just have to wait until my aunt finally comes out here for good & gets her own place which is next month. As much as I want to say what’s on my mind, he won’t be here much longer. 

I guess I’m always going to come back to those thoughts in the back of my mind. Those certain thoughts about what’s been done & whatnot which lead me to think I’ll never be good enough. Despite knowing I am & what others may say, it will always be there trying to make me believe I’m not. Things are looking up, I’m actually content. I have no hate in my heart towards certain people who have done me wrong because let’s face it, it’s pointless & a waste of time. I can’t lie and say I was never mad or didn’t hate for a while. I’m human after all. Can’t always help how we feel right? At least until we’ve worked on getting to a place where we’re okay and let go of shit. Why waste my energy into something negative? I don’t even know where I’m getting at with this aha. My thoughts are just all jumbled up right now.