I’m sitting here in this hospital trying my best not to break down. It’s only getting worse with my aunt. They say it could be days and I can’t even grasp all of this. She didn’t look anywhere near like she does now the last time we visited her.
Grown? Yes I have but I’m still growing. Never stop learning how to better yourself and whatever it is you love to do. Life is always changing and forever beautiful. I’ve done what I’ve done, said things here & there, and believe me when I say they were said & done with genuine & positive intentions but never will I stoop to a level to change who I am for someone. Stay down for me through whatever if you can & want to. If not, that’s fine.
Looking back and reflecting on everything has made me realize how much I’ve grown as a person. I learned how to really love myself. How to not give a damn about other’s thoughts and what they say about me. It’s not my concern whatsoever. All that matters is how I feel when it comes to myself. I learned to be more confident. Still am learning & breaking out of my shell and by doing so people learned things about me that they never knew and it honestly felt good to hear the positive feedback. NEVER will I put myself in a box again and hold myself back from what I truly want. I’m more in tune with peace especially when I’m alone and enjoying the time to myself or I’m surrounded by the people who are in my life.
I love everything right now and I’m going to keep it that way. Try to step on my happy & I will laugh in your damn face. Simple as that.
Damn, time flies by like it’s nobody’s business. Despite 2013 having it’s tough times here and there, the good moments outweighed them. I’ve grown to accept certain things. I’ve let go of unnecessary crap. Learned to be more okay with things I can’t always control. All the anger I had I finally let go and learned to forgive those who’ve done wrong and aren’t in my life anymore. By doing so I let myself out of this box I was stuck in. I was genuinely at peace with myself and life in general. I was able to not give a damn about what other people had to say or think and do what I wanted to make me happy. I was able to enjoy life for what it is. I’m more confident than I was before. I’m slowly growing out of my shell. I’m just past a lot of things that were holding me back. I’ve made it a point to not let anything or anyone ruin my happiness. We are in control of our own lives and it’s up to ourselves at the end of the day. After all that’s been said and done, whether 2013 was good or bad to you, I hope this year is far more better for you. Make sure that whatever you decide to take up or continue to do that it’s something YOU really want and love. Don’t limit yourself to mediocre things and do what the heck you want. You deserve to be happy whether you realize it or not. Ok, I should stop before I keep rambling. Haha. Happy new year everyone.
Am I crazy for thinking I saw you the other day? It was crazy how someone random can look almost exactly like someone. Sucks you’re not here anymore. I wish I could have another conversation about MMA, Lakers, Supernatural, or just life in general. I had a breakdown in the car moments after it happened. I’m just happy I got the chance to know such a great soul. Someday, we’ll get to have another one of our hilarious conversations again.
What you need to understand is that I don’t like you. I have my reasons as to why I don’t and I don’t have to explain myself. Not everyone is going to like you and sometimes you may never know the reasons why. It is what it is. The world doesn’t revolve around you & only you. Above all that, it doesn’t make me a bad person for not liking someone. Get out of here with that shit. It would be a different case if I was disrespecting you for the heck of it and talking shit which isn’t the case because I don’t like doing that shit. I’m not about that. I’m just doing my own thing, being me, and surrounding myself with those I want to be around.
It’s quite funny when people that did others wrong try to make you look like the bad person. But I know what I have and haven’t done & I will be the first to say I did something wrong & apologize if that were the case. I’m not sorry for doing things for me nor will I ever apologize for it as long as I’m not hurting other people in the process.
People never fail to be on some stupid shit.
You could get me the smallest thing with a tiger on it & I’d be really happy. I just LOVE tigers. The most beautiful, majestic, & fierce animal out there.
Never have I been able to really finish writing a song. At least not one that’s good enough. Been sitting here all night with this pen in my hand just going crazy on this paper. Every jumbled thought that involves the reason for what I’m trying to write is being put in there. I guess I just need to lay it all out. Every single sentiment I’m feeling over this unfortunate event. Whether I can put it together well or not is beyond me. Doesn’t hurt to try right?
I wish you were still here…..
The events that have occurred in the past two months made me realize things. I’m questioning things more and looking at things in a different light. I guess this is a part of life and growing. I’ve been fighting off a lot of things and trying to keep my head up. I’ve been able to hold it together thanks to those in my life and just keeping my mind on other things like this new job I’m about to start, music, and sports. It’s working for the most part. All I know is that life is too damn short to not put in effort to see those that matter more often than we do. It’s also too damn short to hold onto anger for too damn long over dumb things.
I don’t care if you think I’m lame or whatever just because I don’t want to do something because everyone else is doing it as well. I’m not going to do something just because you say so. I don’t fall into doing things just because it’s the “thing” to do. I am my own damn person and I choose what I will or won’t do. I’ll be damned if I ever let someone force me into something.
Fuck cancer! Each time we go visit my aunt I want to cry more than the last time. I’ve been getting these headaches for the past 2 weeks. I wish I could make it all go away. I’m mad she never told anyone when she found out months ago. We could have actually done something. I’m just filled with all this anger right now. I know I shouldn’t be mad but I can’t help feeling like this right now. Blah! I guess I’ll go for a walk to try and clear my mind.
I’m just ridiulously tired of everything right now. Mixed emotions & all these thoughts running through my mind is wearing me out. Haven’t been up for anything these past few days. I do not have to apologize for how I’m feeling right now. I need some time to fully grasp what’s going on right now. I’ve never lost anyone in my life & just the thought of someone possibly being gone forever is something I can’t fully grasp yet. I don’t want to. The last thing I need right now is someone telling me that death is a natural thing and that it will all be okay. I already know that but let me deal and try to process everything. And I don’t need anyone getting mad at me for being human. If you can’t understand that then don’t even bother.
On top of this BS with my cousin & what he’s done with the family, just got bad news that my aunt from my dad’s side that we’ve been trying to get in contact with for years is in the hospital with cancer. I don’t even know what to think right now. I had goosebumps when I heard those words and froze. They say she doesn’t have that long to live. We’re heading straight for LA tomorrow first thing in the morning to visit her. I’m just trying to be as positive as I can be through everything right now. The only thing getting me by without breaking down or exploding on someone is music. Strumming the guitar with whatever songs I know. Sometimes I’m not even playing out an actual song. Just the sound of the strings is keeping me together.
I lose respect for those who can’t man up to their wrongdoings. Quit making damn excuses to justify everything.
I can’t get over tonight. My childhood is complete & I can die happy now haha. Justin Timberlake can definitely put on a damn show. Still does his thing effortlessly even when he’s sick.