I don’t care if you think I’m lame or whatever just because I don’t want to do something because everyone else is doing it as well. I’m not going to do something just because you say so. I don’t fall into doing things just because it’s the “thing” to do. I am my own damn person and I choose what I will or won’t do. I’ll be damned if I ever let someone force me into something.

Fuck cancer! Each time we go visit my aunt I want to cry more than the last time. I’ve been getting these headaches for the past 2 weeks. I wish I could make it all go away. I’m mad she never told anyone when she found out months ago. We could have actually done something. I’m just filled with all this anger right now. I know I shouldn’t be mad but I can’t help feeling like this right now. Blah! I guess I’ll go for a walk to try and clear my mind. 

I’m just ridiulously tired of everything right now. Mixed emotions & all these thoughts running through my mind is wearing me out. Haven’t been up for anything these past few days. I do not have to apologize for how I’m feeling right now. I need some time to fully grasp what’s going on right now. I’ve never lost anyone in my life & just the thought of someone possibly being gone forever is something I can’t fully grasp yet. I don’t want to. The last thing I need right now is someone telling me that death is a natural thing and that it will all be okay. I already know that but let me deal and try to process everything. And I don’t need anyone getting mad at me for being human. If you can’t understand that then don’t even bother.

On top of this BS with my cousin & what he’s done with the family, just got bad news that my aunt from my dad’s side that we’ve been trying to get in contact with for years is in the hospital with cancer. I don’t even know what to think right now. I had goosebumps when I heard those words and froze. They say she doesn’t have that long to live. We’re heading straight for LA tomorrow first thing in the morning to visit her. I’m just trying to be as positive as I can be through everything right now. The only thing getting me by without breaking down or exploding on someone is music. Strumming the guitar with whatever songs I know. Sometimes I’m not even playing out an actual song. Just the sound of the strings is keeping me together. 

I lose respect for those who can’t man up to their wrongdoings. Quit making damn excuses to justify everything.

I can’t get over tonight. My childhood is complete & I can die happy now haha. Justin Timberlake can definitely put on a damn show. Still does his thing effortlessly even when he’s sick. 

Today started out well until things became beyond stressful. Nothing like unwinding by learning some songs on the guitar & being in my own world haha. Music will always be my go to & never fails me when I can’t get to those who can help make me feel better. 

Finally got offered the job. It’s been 3 or 4 months since I had my interview and was told I was being considered. Had me testing the little patience I had haha but it’s made me work on it as well. I go in for paperwork next week! Things are really looking up! 

Most of the time I’m more than happy. I’ve been better than I’ve ever been after cutting certain people out of my life. But I have my moments where some shit just still gets to me. It will always be in the back of my mind stored away until it wants to just fuck with me for a bit.

The last thing I need is being told, “yeah right” or “you won’t keep it up” when it comes to me trying to better myself health wise. A simple “you can do it” would suffice. Better yet, don’t say anything if it’s not anywhere near encouraging. Either way, I’ll get through this journey. Can’t let negativity get to me.  

I only have myself to blame for allowing myself to stop. I can’t stop & I won’t. Not this time around. I can’t afford to & I have to do it for myself. I have to push myself even on days when I’m not feelin’ it. Patience is a big part of this & I can’t always put myself down when I’m frustrated. I will get there when I’m meant to get there as long as I keep at it. I should assign someone to slap me or something whenever I miss a workout lol. I’m back on this journey of getting healthier & need to stay on it. (: 

How can one be so damn disrespectful to the relatives that are giving you a roof over your head & food in your fucking mouth while you’re out here figuring out what to do with your damn life? Barely do shit around the house & when one of them asks if you can help them out, you mumble shit like “suck my balls”. Every little thing is starting to get on my nerves and I’m doing my best to bite my tongue because I literally hate having problems. I can’t stand the whole “Oh I went to college & got a degree so I know everything” act. It’s bullshit. Talking about you know the truth about the world and blah blah blah. It’s absurd how you also claim you’re all about love & positive energy yet the way you carry yourself and act towards my parents and our grandparents is disgusting. The fuck kind of shit is that?! You may be my cousin & I love you and I’m thankful for the other good stuff you’ve helped me with while I was working on things within myself as a person but some shit is just not okay. I don’t even want to be around you right now. Putting my dad down too when he’s been going through a really tough time has really put me to the top. If any other disrespectful shit comes to surface I think I will explode & say everything I need to say & it will NOT be pretty. But until then, I just have to wait until my aunt finally comes out here for good & gets her own place which is next month. As much as I want to say what’s on my mind, he won’t be here much longer. 

I guess I’m always going to come back to those thoughts in the back of my mind. Those certain thoughts about what’s been done & whatnot which lead me to think I’ll never be good enough. Despite knowing I am & what others may say, it will always be there trying to make me believe I’m not. Things are looking up, I’m actually content. I have no hate in my heart towards certain people who have done me wrong because let’s face it, it’s pointless & a waste of time. I can’t lie and say I was never mad or didn’t hate for a while. I’m human after all. Can’t always help how we feel right? At least until we’ve worked on getting to a place where we’re okay and let go of shit. Why waste my energy into something negative? I don’t even know where I’m getting at with this aha. My thoughts are just all jumbled up right now. 

If it’s one thing I really can’t stand is people who are always trying to put others down one way or another. Or when they try so hard to look good to others. As if they do no wrong & make no mistakes. They’re quick to point out what one is doing, how they’re doing it, or simply saying they are bad for whatever it may be. No one is perfect and for you to talk crap to someone for simply trying in life is pure BS. So many people are quick to preach how one should be a good person and whatnot yet they don’t execute it themselves. Just stop. You sound and look ridiculous.

Never will you see me continuing a friendship or relationship if all the person does is try to hold me back from things in life. Screw that. People deserve those who will stand by their side through everything and encourage them in all they want to do in life. Let the person get to where they want to go and let them shine in every way possible when they achieve their goals. Don’t shut them down with your BS. Let them be & do that to yourself for all I care. I hate when people try to screw with people’s lives, their potential, & happiness. What pisses me off more, is when someone lets people do that to them. Don’t even give that sorry excuse of how you love or really care for that person as if it justifies how they treat you. Cut that string, walk away, close that door on them and never look back because if that’s how they are with you, they don’t really care for you.